txtsfrmlstnght:

(678): so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.

txtsfrmlstnght:

(407): he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag…I couldn’t bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him

txtsfrmlstnght:

(334): after we finished he farted and said ‘i’ve been holding that one in’

txtsfrmlstnght:

(760): I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
(508): These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

txtsfrmlstnght:

(570): my roommate just said, “don’t look at it, just put it iin your mouth”

txtsfrmlstnght:

(203): My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don’t have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.

txtsfrmlstnght:

(404): Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn’t true…. so dont spread that.

txtsfrmlstnght:

(601): hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?

txtsfrmlstnght:

(404): three words: i give head
(770): three words: not that well

txtsfrmlstnght:

(843): 70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won’t clean this up.

txtsfrmlstnght:

(317): Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
(812): You’re dead to me.

txtsfrmlstnght:

(214): don’t tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to “who let the dogs out”

txtsfrmlstnght:

(815): just took a pee in my own yard…decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry….wiped it away with my finger..help me…my mom AND dad are home.

txtsfrmlstnght:

(239): At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt

txtsfrmlstnght:

(902): you screamed ‘he won’t go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken’
(1-902): well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone